Wednesday, 7 January 2015

What a month of illness has taught me.

December I managed to be ill for almost the entire month. It started with a couple of low lying viruses so subtle that the nurse I saw told me I was just run down and needed to take lots of vitamins. I knew it was more than that. On the way to the office Christmas party I remarked in an off hand way to my boss that I shouldn't even be going to the party because I was ill. 

I definitely overdid it at the party and fighting and breaking up with the guy I was seeing and then crying for about an hour didn't help. But I woke up with no voice. It didn't come back for a whole week. I had viral laryngitis which cannot be treated, just has to be waited out. My boss heard me attempting to talk and sent me home with the words, "listening to you is heart breaking". Quite sweet really. From a week alone in the house without even being able to speak on the telephone I learnt a couple of things. 

Firstly I tend to talk to myself a lot. I realised this because when you have laryngitis you have to rest your voice as much as possible. I had to keep remembering not to talk to myself. Kinda embarrassing. 

More importantly isolation makes you calmer. In the past I've always felt the need to discuss every problem. I watch my phone all the time for messages. Being ill when you know you can't go out on a date or meet anyone or even talk to them is calming. After a few days I felt calmer and happier in my own company. I stopped feeling lost and bored and filled my days with solitary activities like painting. I felt content. 

A week later I came down with flu. I couldn't even get out of bed without the help of my dad holding my hand. I was too scared I'd pass out. My vision went when I moved too fast and I felt nauseous. A week of lying on the sofa with no energy to even text my friends made me appreciate small things in life like being able to stand up in the shower, feeling well enough to care about what I look like. But more importantly it made me realise what an amazing loving and caring father I had. I am so used to seeing my father as a fellow adult: a funny but slightly irresponsible person who I often argued with. I'd forgotten that he brought me up and looked after me and kept me safe when I was a child. But he stepped back into that role willingly. Feeding me, clearing up after me and holding my hand. 

Finally illness has had a couple of other positive effects on me. Not drinking has been good for my liver and my clothes are looser so I guess I've lost weight. Not wearing makeup for three weeks means my skin has cleared up - my pores are smaller. I've started reading novels again and painting and I've seen a lot of TV shows and films I can now talk about. 

But most importantly I've realised I'm fine on my own. I don't need a boyfriend - I am complete and actually having a boyfriend might be a bit of a pain in the arse. I can do my own thing, go to bed when I want, sleep in a bed on my own without being disturbed, decide how long to stay in Wales and when to return to London without a care for another. I'm not sure I want to give that up. 

So yeh, being ill is horrible and I can't wait to go to a bar and have a cocktail (honestly it feels like a bar is like Narnia to me). But it hasn't all been bad. And I have never been miserable or depressed. I've appreciated the small things like being able to breathe out of one nostril or not feeling dizzy for an hour. I've grown in personal strength and I've grown closer to my dad. I can't say I wish it was any different. 


Friday, 28 November 2014

Duhduhduhduhduhduhduh That's the news tune innit?)

Everyone loves a topical comedy show right? Probably because if comedy isn't topical it often resorts to jokes about mother-in-laws, women nagging and men not picking up their socks from the floor. Yeh...more of them jokes, that's what we all want!

So here's the second instalment from my desk buddy Mark's comedy sketch news show "News 500".
In fact Mark actually makes an appearance. Yes. He is the gay guy with eczma. Love him!

As a side point eczema is hard to spell but I now know how to spell it.



Talking about spoof news shows here's my old favourite from The Barry Welsh Show. This show might only have made it on air in Wales. It became a bit of a cult but niche classic in Swansea. It was extremely low budget and advertisers obviously weren't impressed since I remember there being hardly any adverts during the breaks - and they were all for cheap brands like Poundland.

Enjoy.





MORE MORE MORE SPOOF NEWS!! Oh ok then. Maybe you'd like to listen to Mr Revolution himself Russel Brand PARKLIFE!

Here he is talking about Renee Zellweger's face. That was an important news story this year wasn't it!



And that concludes the news roundup for today.

(Shuffles her papers on her desk)

Friday, 21 November 2014

A sweet smelling Christmas to one and all

Merry Classy Christmas!!!!!

It is the season of giant dinners, stuffing your face and being forced to stay inside for most of the day locked in with your family. Mum and Dad drunk, your Gran vegetating in the corner, your granddad snoring in front of the telly, kids squabbling and may some neighbours and friends who popped by/ Not good news if you think that you'll all be sharing the same toilet.

If you're worried that all those brussels sprouts, stuffing and little pork sausages wrapped in bacon could leave your house full of stinky bathrooms then have no fear! PooPourri is the answer!

Check out this charming and very classy advert by PooPourri where Santa comes in need for some Poopouri.

Luckily he shat in the right house!

Thanks to my desk mate from Singapore for this one. Kris you're a star. 

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Singing record covers

Isn't it funny how records have stuck with us, whilst tapes, CDs and mini disk players have all bitten the dust. At the moment it seems that album download services are going that way too. It's of course partly nostalgia that keeps the record popular of course. But that doesn't explain why there are so many young buyers of records. For these people it's more the album artwork and the physicality of the things that make people feel like they are really coming home with something special. Here's a little music video which cleverly plays on album art, personifying it and making it seem like something that really should be treasured. It's for Roy Kafri's Mayokero.

Roy Kafri - Mayokero (Music Video) from Vania Heymann on Vimeo.

Thanks to my colleague David for this one. 

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

It's so un-chic to pronounce fashion names wrong darling.

This week Cheryl Fernandez Versini, of Girls Aloud fame, got very upset when one of the producers on The X Factor UK called her Cheryl Cole, her name from her previous marriage to cheating football whore Ashley Cole. When the hapless man protested that her new name was hard to pronounce she moaned, "It's not hard to pronounce my name phonetically". True Cheryl. It's actually quite an easy one if you take a moment to read it properly.


However what can I say? I have been known to pronounce "chic" as "chick", much to the horror of my friends. My father calls "pitta" bread "peter bread" and one of my colleagues called "Notorious B.I.G" the "Notorious Big" over lunch today.

The world of fashion is particularly littered with difficult to pronounce names. Why there's even debate over how to pronounce every day brands like Nike. That's why i-D's fashion pronunciation guide is actually not just a cute video but something we could all learn from.

Watch it now, never make another fashion mis-pronunciation faux pas again.

Friday, 17 October 2014

NEWS FLASH! The news got funny.

Very quick blog post to congratulate my friend Mark Daniels who has contributed to the first episode of this funny multi-comedian written news spoof.

Check out this week's headlights with the funniest things I've heard about ebola yet....to be fair everything else on ebola has been frankly terrifying.

Congrats Mark. You're a funny guy.